They say “patience is a virtue.” They must not have met me! While the ability to wait for something without frustration is a useful skill and a good aspect of one’s personality, it does not come naturally to me, and if I am being honest I am not interested much in honing that skill. It turns out though that the joke is on me, and God does in fact have a sense of humor, but we will get to that in a bit.
My family calls me Peggy as a nickname because I am a spitting image of my paternal grandmother in every possible way. I rather take that as a compliment! She was feisty, full of energy, a direct communicator and fiercely protective of those she loved most in the world. Most importantly, she loved Jesus with all her heart and would tell anyone who would listen why. She was in my eyes fearless & got it done. While I only had her in my life until 13, she left quite an impression. Just like my Mimi did, I like to move quickly, decisively, and with purpose. I enjoy control of the situation and instant gratification of a good decision made or when the decision was not a good one, I find I recover quickly, put on my big girl pants and move on. There is always a plan and likely a plan B, BUT this is all in complete contradiction to what has been slowly tugging at my heart for 12 years and forcing me into a long season of waiting.
Let’s back up a little for context…..
As so often happens in motherhood, nothing went as planned. My first born baby, Hudson, put me on my toes from the moment he turned breech just before his birth. My favorite lil’ buddy is what the world deems special needs, but I think he’s exceptional, unique and God’s gift to all who come to know him. The more familiar I became with his needs, syndrome (KdVS,) setbacks and wins, the more my heart began to break for the children that lack an advocate, the parents who have no village, and the limited resources for these children and their families. What I think I have always known was that God was laying a calling on my heart, and that this exceptional little boy and I would, together with our family, change this world for the better. God planted a seed in the hearts of the Fisher family to do something for other families like ours and that with a little patience (who am I kidding… A LOT,) growth, and trust in HIS timing he would send us to do his work for his beloved children, a vulnerable population that he perfectly formed in his image.
Psalm 110:1-2 KJV
God sent us the rod of his strength in the person of Christ and the many disciples of Christ is also this “rod out of Zion” God will use you to actualize the dream in his heart, He will break your heart with what breaks his heart.
So here we are 12 years later….12 years of feeling called, but not yet sent. 12 years of feeling misplaced and not where I belonged, but with no answer as to what to do about it. Please don’t take this as lack of contentment, joy and thankfulness. I now see this time of waiting as a time of preparation, growth and maturity. This was a time of deep self-reflection. Life isn’t easily controlled, patience is often required, the long road to fulfilling a purpose is often necessary and at the core the heart must not only be willing but ready to be sent no matter the risk, the unknown, and the fear. Mostly, it requires what it took me 12 years to give… complete trust in him and his perfect plan, not easy and not without failure, but perfect.
So my friends…. the waiting period has ended (we’ll dive into that revelation next time.) I finally leapt and asked to be sent, no matter the cost. I gave up control (as if it was really ever mine to give) and now I am full of so much joy, anticipation and honestly a little fear of the unknown.